No Idea of the State We Were In
by cosasmalas
Summary: Santana and Brittany's first day of senior year. AU.
1. Chapter 1

_Just to be clear, this story takes place in England. I'm using the characters of Santana and Brittany and placing them in an English setting to make it a little different. I'm aware that American readers may not understand everything so I'll try to clear it up. Year 13 is the equivalent of senior year (aged 17-18) and takes place at college or 'sixth form college' where students spend only two years. I apologise for any confusion caused. Thanks for taking the time to read guys, I really appreciate it._

* * *

><p>BZZZZBZZZZZ<p>

Brittany:

_"You picking me up? xxxx"_

Santana blinked repeatedly as she squinted groggily at the text, then redirected her attention to the time. 6:15. She groaned as she rolled over, taking the phone with her, to savour the last fifteen minutes of the summer holidays. Her mind wandered to thoughts of her best friend, she had advised Brittany to set her alarm for 6 to allow maximum preparation time in the hope of avoiding any mishaps on their first day back.

The first day, of the last year, of the beginning of their lives.

Year 13. The last year of college was upon them which meant an unhealthy concoction of work, revision, coursework, legal alcohol consumption, driving, and pressure. Santana was a bright kid, capable of great things, but she also had a wisdom about her far beyond her age which gave her perspective. For this reason, Santana rarely holed herself up to study, choosing instead to spend as much time as possible enjoying life and living by her motto: "live hard, die pretty".

She was taking A-levels in Spanish, Economics, Maths and Physics, to keep her options open while Brittany chose Dance, English Literature and Spanish. Brittany found Spanish surprisingly easy since Santana had spoken to her in the language since they were young. It was their secret language, their way of communicating what would have been impossible in English. Santana's natural Spanish accent had influenced Brittany's and the two spoke like natives, which proved useful as they found they could even confuse the other Spanish students.

BZZZZBZZZZ

_"You're still asleep? xx"_

Santana jumped, startled by the vibration, and checked the time again. 6:45.

"Shit", she mumbled as she threw herself out of bed straight into the bathroom, phone in hand. Two less kisses. Even when Brittany was annoyed she couldn't bring herself to text _sin _kisses. The brunette tapped out a quick reply, before leaving the phone on the side of the sink and hopping into the shower.

_"I'll be outside your house at 8. Don't forget your dance kit. xxxxx"_

* * *

><p><em>Fierce.<em>

That was how Santana Lopez was most often described.

It wasn't that she was particularly cruel, but she was aloof, set apart from everyone else, and this scared them. The aforementioned maturity played a large part in this separation; Santana felt that their teenage problems were petty and unworthy of her attention, however she liked her image and was keen to keep it up. It stopped the drama.

Brittany made it more difficult to keep up the image; she couldn't help but crack a smile when the blonde did cute or funny things but she put this down to the fact that nobody knew her better than Brittany. Best friends from the age of 6, it was common knowledge that they were inseparable, like conjoined twins, though no part of their anatomy was fused, except their souls. Arguments were non-existent between the pair, at least, they were up until the end of last year, when they ventured out into the world of dating.

As though the paths of their lives were synchronised Brittany and Santana began dating boys the exact same week. Unbeknown to both of them, the boys, Finn and Puck, planned it cleverly to avoid rejection; it would be difficult to date one of the girls while the other was left alone. The date was the same, cinema and a meal, for both girls, though they took place on different nights. The feelings were similar. Although they enjoyed the night out there was something significant missing, though neither girl could place it. Society dictates that women go on dates with men, have a nice time, kiss, then return home to gush about it to their best friend.

So that's what they did. For days.

Brittany was the first to snap,

"If you had such a good time with Puck, why aren't you with him right now?"

Santana stopped pacing the room and froze. The two girls stared at each other for a moment before Santana wet her lips and said,

"Well, since you seem so eager to go out with Finn again, I will."

A fire burned in Brittany's chest, the flames licked at her ribcage and up her throat, enflaming an anger inside her she had never known. Why did Santana have to talk about her incredible time with Puck all the time when she was doing all she could to forget about the empty feeling she had after her date with Finn? Her anger seemed without reasonable cause but it was frustration, albeit more at herself than Santana, which fuelled her next comment,

"Good! Why don't you piss off and leave me alone then? I'm sick of you. You're not a nice person Santana and I hate being the person who has to defend you all the time, it's too hard! I just want… I just want you to go", she spat the words out as her cheeks flushed with rage.

Her words stung Santana and she stood there, baffled and upset, watching the blonde, her closest friend in the entire world, rip her apart. She felt her cheeks burn and her eyes fill up before slapping her hand to her mouth and running out of the room, tears tumbling down her face.

Brittany watched as she fled and was left staring at the open door feeling numb. She didn't know how long she stayed like that but she woke up in the same position in the early hours of the morning with eyes stinging and puffy from a night of silent weeping. Brittany crawled up to her pillows and pulled the cover over her, cradling her knees in a foetal position, and thought about Santana. Things were usually so easy with her, it was as though they were two halves of the same being. She always knew what Brittany needed and always, always provided.

That night, Santana hadn't been able to face going home. She got into her car and drove, still sobbing, her vision blurred from the hot tears, as far as she could. She thought about Brittany, the way her face displayed frustration but more importantly, anguish, and worked through their conversations to find the root of her upset. Brittany had claimed to like Finn a lot while Santana made the same claim about Puck because that's what you're supposed to do. Now, it seemed as though Brittany was jealous. Jealous of the time Santana spent with Puck? The brunette ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath, eyes focused on the road. She had not felt an emotional connection with Puck but she had never experienced a relationship before so she had no basis for comparison. She wished she could find someone who it was easy to be around, like Brittany.

The thought stopped her dead in her tracks.

Brittany closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, listening to the sound of cars passing outside. Again, her mind drifted to thoughts of Santana, as though her subconscious was literally pushing the brunette to the forefront of her head. A sad smile played across her mouth as she remembered how Santana would comfort her, allowing her to sleep with her head on Santana's shoulder as she ran her fingers through the blonde locks, whispering soothing words into them. A single tear escaped and fell down her cheek. She blinked hard as she questioned the nature of her relationship with Santana. She could not place it, it was confusing for her. She knew that she would have had a better time on her date if Santana replaced Finn, but then, it wouldn't be a date with two girls, would it?

Would it?


	2. Chapter 2

It was 7:45 by the time Santana was throwing her bag into the back seat of her car. She got in and shivered, turning the engine and heated seats on before inserting a CD into the player. Brittany had burned the CD last year as a surprise for their morning car journeys and labelled it in pink sharpie, '_Britt and San's Best Eva Car Jamz'. _Santana revved the engine, willing the seats to heat faster; Brittany couldn't help but giggle when she felt the warmth of the seats spread across the skin on her thighs and Santana found it endearing.

She pulled her seatbelt on and checked herself in the mirror one last time before backing out of the drive.

* * *

><p>When Santana got home the morning after her argument with Brittany there was a text waiting.<p>

_"Let's go out tonight. Call me."_

It was from Puck. She felt a brief pang of disappointment at the identity of the sender but quickly repressed it. She banished those feelings from last night which had shook her to her core rendering her physically unable to breathe for a few seconds. Defiance swept over her. She would call Puck. She would go out with him. She would enjoy it goddammit because that's what _should_ happen.

_"Meet me in McDonalds car park in two hours. xx"_

Brittany woke up again in the early hours of Saturday afternoon, still feeling drained from the previous day's events. Instinctively she checked her phone for texts from Santana. Upon seeing the blank screen the memories from the night before flooded back and she felt tears swell to her eyes again. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, trying to regulate her breathing. No. She could get through this; these feelings were just hormones, she was due on her period or something. Furrowing her eyebrows and pursing her lips she repeated the phrase which had comforted her the night before, 'I'm _normal_'. With that, she slipped out from under the cover to get ready for the day, determined to forget the damn brunette who plagued her dreams.

The springs of the old mattress dug into Santana's back as she looked up, into Puckerman's expectant eyes. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly and the boy interpreted her increased heart rate as desire. She glanced at the two shirts, his and hers, lying on the dirty bedroom floor, next to a well-thumbed copy of Playboy magazine and a paper plate harbouring what could only be described as hazardous waste. McDonalds had been abandoned when Puck's eyes started roaming to a table of schoolgirls and Santana knew she had to keep her man interested. After all, _treatin' em mean_ by no means _kept 'em keen_ these days.

Going back to his place had been her suggestion so it came as no surprise that when she returned her eyes to Puck's they were significantly closer and she could feel his heated irregular breath on her face. She swallowed but her heart rate continued to rise and Puck's hand was moving higher up her thigh. He bent his right arm, the one he was leaning on, his face getting ever closer to Santana's. Instead of looking at her face his eyes were focused on her chest. His hand was at her hip, rubbing in a circular motion, while his mouth attached to her neck where he sucked at the skin hard, causing Santana to wince and close her eyes tightly. His hand moved from her hip to the button of his jeans. She felt the panic spread to her chest and her palms became clammy. He undid the button quickly, increasing the intensity with which he was sucking at Santana's neck, his breathing quickening with it. The pounding in her head got faster, the internal warning more desperate. He looked down at his crotch to pull the zipper down and Santana took her chance, making a dive for her shirt and escaping from under Puck, surprising him enough to be able to sprint downstairs and out of the house without pursuit.

Thanking God that she had insisted on bringing her own car, she started the engine and tore out of the Puckerman residence at speed, her heart still racing. After a few minutes she pulled over, the adrenaline had worn off and she was left cold and shaking. Tears leaked from her eyes as she pulled on her shirt and rested her head against the steering wheel, contemplating what to do next. The answer was obvious.

Brittany.

Santana pulled out her phone and tapped a message, having to go back to correct spelling a few times due to her unsteady hands.

_"B, where are you? I need you. xxxx"_

She let out a long breath as she clutched the phone to her chest, keeping her eyes closed. The reply was almost instantaneous.

_"With Finn. My house, half an hour. xxxx"_

Relief swept over her; Brittany wasn't too angry to reply. She re-started the engine and headed to Brittany's house, where she sat in the driveway, closed her eyes and allowed the effects of two emotionally draining days without sleep take over, drifting blissfully out of consciousness.

A perfectly manicured finger tapping on the car window woke Santana from her slumber. She opened her eyes to see Brittany's anxious face staring back at her. Rubbing her eyes she unlocked the door and let Brittany open it before stepping out to face her. They looked at each other for a moment, Brittany taking in the appearance of a haggard-looking Santana, concern evident in her eyes before turning towards the door and saying quietly,

"Let's go inside"

Once in Brittany's room an air of discomfort descended as both girls recalled the events of the previous night. Brittany reached around Santana to close the door and the brunette's eyes shot to the floor. Brittany took a step back, exhaling and wetting her lips. She folded her arms across her chest and looked expectantly at the girl standing in front of her who suddenly seemed so much smaller and more fragile than ever before. Brittany's posture changed, her frustration evaporated and her shoulder's relaxed,

"San…"

She reached out to touch the girl's arm but as her hand made contact Santana let out a sob and her knees buckled, causing Brittany to instinctively reach out and gently lower her to the floor. They stayed there, crouching together, with Brittany's arms wrapped around Santana, for some time, while she continued to weep. After a few minutes she sniffed, composed herself and pulled away from the blonde. She sat with her back against the bed, knees up, staring straight ahead while Brittany mirrored the position next to her.

"What happened?"

...

"Puck."

Silence, as Brittany waited patiently for her friend to elaborate.

"He wanted to… to do it and I… I thought… I did too" - another loud sniff as Santana attempted to dry her eyes on her sleeve- "but then… I panicked. He started to undo his pants and I… I just… I don't know, I was scared. I ran. I didn't know what else to do… sorry." she dropped her head and closed her eyes, waiting.

Brittany listened intently, squinting her eyes to concentrate, while never removing her gaze from the wall in front of her. Her breathing remained even though it felt like a thousand different emotions were mixing together in the pit of her stomach to form an uncomfortable concoction of feelings. She blinked slowly.

Santana turned her head towards Brittany, just in time to see a solitary tear make it's way down her smooth porcelain cheek and hang on her jawline. As she choked back another tear and opened her mouth to speak it fell, leaving only a glistening path as a reminder of it's presence. Eyes locked on the wall, her tongue formed words that her mouth reluctantly spat out,

"I slept with Finn."


	3. Chapter 3

It came out as a whisper but she knew Santana had heard. She held her breath, the air in the room seemed to freeze as though unwilling to cause any further disruption to the already tense atmosphere, and they held their positions. It could have been seconds, but most probably hours that they sat in silence. Eventually, Brittany turned her head slowly to steal a glance at her friend.

Santana's eyes were shut and she had bowed her head. Were it not for her tense facial expression she could have been asleep.

Brittany wanted nothing more than to touch her, whisper soothing words in her ear in the hope that they would reach her soul and calm it. Brittany could feel it - Santana's soul desperately tugging at the part of it attached to Brittany's, trying to break free, to escape the torture of existing with a shared soul.

She couldn't bring herself to do it; she felt dirty and unworthy of touching the untainted tanned skin. Her stomach twisted into knots as the consequences of her actions lay before her. The feeling of disgust worked its way up through her chest, paining it, before spilling out of her burning eyes. Floods of silent tears washed over her face like her body's vain attempt of cleansing her of her shame. She turned her head back to face the wall before allowing it to drop, resting her forehead on her crossed arms, trying to muffle the sound of her now irregular breathing. _Anything. Anything to go back. Anything to undo it. Anything. _A sob escaped.

It wasn't Brittany's.

She whipped her head around to look at her best friend whose eyes were already locked on her. Her soft brown face had been blemished by the attack of tears and she wore a defeated expression that tore Brittany's heart apart.

"Why?"

It was a simple enough question. She should have expected it but for some reason it caught her completely off guard. It was too simple; the word carried a thousand unanswerable questions: _Why did you do it? Why now? Why with him? Why did you snap at me? Why are you crying? Why am I crying? Why can't we talk about it? Why are you breaking my heart? _

Without breaking eye contact she swallowed, shaking her head slowly. She couldn't answer the simple, surface question without unearthing the unanswerable ones. Her eyes glazed over but she could make out the look of concern on her friend's face. She blinked back tears and could clearly see a haunting anguish in the dark eyes that stared back at her. They were softer now, and Brittany let out the breath she felt she had been holding since her revelation. Tentatively she moved her hand to gently cover the darker one that rested on the floor. When Santana remained still she curled her fingers slowly, never removing her gaze from the pair of eyes in an attempt to read her. She tried to transfer all her feelings, intentions and hopes in the touch and with her eyes in an attempt to repair their friendship.

The Latina's head tilted slightly and her other arm lifted, beckoning Brittany to move closed. She moved until her left side was touching every inch of Santana's right, their fingers intertwined in Santana's lap. A tanned hand rested on the side of Brittany's head, her thumb gently brushing the porcelain cheekbone. She pulled Brittany's face gently towards her own and rested their foreheads against each other, closing her eyes. Brittany mirrored the action. She could feel Santana's steady breath.

Santana slowly tilted her chin up. Their foreheads parted but their noses made contact and Brittany felt a pair of tender, innocent lips touch her own. It wasn't a kiss but she didn't try to develop it. They stayed like that, both hoping to transfer comfort, apologies and understanding to the other, until it went dark.

That was a few months ago, before the summer where they'd spent every day together as though nothing had happened.

They had fallen asleep together that night on the floor of Brittany's bedroom and woken up even closer, a tangled mess of limbs and hair. The awkwardness had vanished, perhaps the subliminal message transfer had worked, and they hadn't talked about it since. It wasn't that it was a touchy subject, it just never came up. It was as though both girls understood what had happened but neither wished to burden the other with anything that might caught discomfort.

Now, everything was back to normal, the way it should be.

* * *

><p>Santana pulled into Brittany's drive way at 7:58, switched the engine off and swung out of the car over to the front door which she knocked on lightly. She turned to look out at the street and her mind wandered to thoughts of how organic her relationship with Brit was; they knew each other so completely that each was invariably prepared for what the other did, and this made for a flawless routine. Brittany was never waiting. Brittany didn't really <em>do <em>waiting. If she had spare time she filled it, because that's what it's for.

The oak door creaked as it opened and Santana turned her head to see a flurry of blonde hair bound towards her.

"Hey!" Brittany grinned wildly and rested her hand on her hip, at the top of her pyjama bottoms.

"Brit! How can you still be in your pyjamas, you text me an hour ago!" Santana exclaimed, but Brittany was undeterred.

"I've got time San! Come on, I made breakfast in bed." and with that the blonde turned and bounded up the stairs with a bewildered Latina in hot pursuit.

Brittany walked straight through the bedroom into the bathroom and began to fix her hair while pointing out a plate of freshly made pancakes on her bed to Santana and explaining that since she woke up so early she decided to make pancakes, inadvertently leaving very little time to actually get ready for college.

Santana fell back onto the bed lazily, lying on her side, resting her head on her hand and took a pancake from the plate. They were hot to the touch and light in the mouth - perfect. She smiled as she thought of Brittany wrestling with the pans in the kitchen and appreciated the gesture even more. Brit knew her friend never found time for breakfast but remembered learning about how it was the most important meal of the day so she always tried to make sure Santana ate something.

"San?" Brittany's voice broke into Santana's idle daydream, "Can you come zip my top up?"

Heaving herself off the bed, she made her way into the bathroom and chuckled at the sight that greeted her - Brittany was standing, looking in the mirror with her top on backwards. She looked momentarily confused before mumbling something about thinking it looked a bit wrong and not remembering the zip being on the back.

Her friend leaned against the doorframe and smiled, watching the blonde struggle to turn the garment around.

"Here, let me help." she said as she moved towards her and saw Brittany's arms drop to her sides in defeat.

"Arms up" she commanded gently, and Brittany did as she was told, allowing Santana to pull the top over her head effortlessly. She twisted the article around in the air before bringing it back down over Brittany's arms.

"Arms down"

Brittany obliged and Santana smirked, cocking an eyebrow, before she pulled the zip, now located on the blonde's front, up to the top. She kept hold of the bit of metal and winked, causing her friend to giggle and push her away playfully. The Latina laughed as Brittany said,

"I can usually dress myself you know…" followed by a teasing grin.

"Aww Britz, you don't have to try and impress me." replied Santana as made her way past the blonde, hitting her gently under the chin with a finger as she did so. "Come on, we're gonna be late for our first day… again." She tried to repress the grin plastered on her face to give herself an air of authority but it refused to budge, much to Brittany's delight and she followed Santana out, pleased to have started the day so positively.


End file.
